||[Mar. 8th, 2005|09:40 pm]
|[||What I'm Feeeelin
|||||silence is golden||]|
This is for what i cant say to your face, for im a coward. and i apologize in advance for putting this up in the place that made you realize that you didnt want to be with me. but its the only place i know you'll read it and nobody else will.
I love our memories, i love the time that we spent together.
I used to brag about you, that fact that i had you. i used to always be like, yeah thats why im so happy, yeah hes soo much fun, yeah hes the best. and i used to show you off to my friends because i'd never had someone care about me that much in a way that i loved so much. i pushed it in front of my friends that i had you.
And im sorry you never heard it from them, but people dont gossip over all the good things, they gossip over all the bad things people say. which is why you heard all that crap.
I knew you arent "good" at relationships when i got into this. but i didnt care.
Not one person ever said to me, your so lucky you have alex. First reactions from everybody was.... hunny you can do so much better. and yes, it hurt to hear it because i was sooo happy. but i didnt listen to them. i wanted to be with you, no matter what anybody else said. if i listened to everybody else it would have been over in a matter of days. i liked you for who you were, not what people thought of you.
i loved just looking at you. when you were having fun, laughing, smiling, or playing soccer. it made me happy to see you having fun, thats all i ever wanted from you. is for you to be happy.
i spent hours thinking of you. whether in the netherlands with the MUN crew, or with kelly in L.A. so many times have you just popped into my head, and have i started thinking about how much i missed you. even if i saw you the day before. for there was not a time when i said i missed you and anyone meant it more than me. there are countless times when kelly would see something and say, you thinking about alex? and i would say... no, but now i am. and just smile for hours thinking of you.
how bad i felt after i hit you, (even if you deserved it sometimes hahaha jk) even if it was meant to be a joke
i love how i used to go see you. and never complain that you wouldnt come see me, simply becasue i was glad to go, no matter how tired, how broke, how late it was.
i dont hate you, i never can. dont ever think of that. becasue that just wont happen. but right now. i need you to talk to me, so i know your not a jerk, but just realize that im not over you. havent started getting over you yet. it all ended in an instant, so it'll take time.
i dont fully understand why you did what you did, for the reasons you told me, but i'll try. i just dont get how becasue you think you cant handle it or dont have the capability to handle it, you stop it. i sort of see where youre coming from, but try to see why i cant understand
remeber all our emails. in particular the one when i was in l.a and you thought i was ignoring you. cause i will always remember right after that online when you said it made you realize how much you liked me. (guess that doesnt matter anymore hahha)
and one last thing. i spent about 4 hours crying over you and im not near done and i dont like crying especially over guys. and im not saying this to hurt you or to make you feel bad, but in hopes that you'll realize that thats how much i like you. how much i thought that would be the last thing to happen between us. i cared about you more than youll ever know, for its far more than i ever showed. and i regret that, but one of the reasons why i didnt show it, was becasue i was afraid i'd like you way more than you liked me, and i would get even more hurt. i cried for so long, because you were one of the best things that ever happened to me. and i didnt think it would end, or maybe i didnt want it to end, but you are truely and honestly one of the best things that ever happened to me. i will continue to cry, and i kno i will and i cant help it, becasue you are not just a person. youre not just a friend, youre not just a guy. you were somebody i confided in for comfort, someone who i trusted with no questions asked right from the start, somebody i knew i could have loved if i just gave it the chance. im sorry for anything that i did to hurt you, sorry for anything wrong that i did. and im sorry if i ever made you embarrased because of me.
dont be afraid to call me. whenever, whether after you read this and want questions answered, or if you just are bored. really, it lets me know youre not a jerk and that you care.